I Am Curious About Pushing People In Front of Things

November 6, 2008

I had pretty much forgotten I did this, but apparently a while ago when I was drunk I signed up for a bunch of trade publications online, and had them sent to my work.  I think the plan was that I wanted the people who sort my mail at work to be very confused about what my job was.  I’m not sure I totally thought the plan through.

Regardless, the first one arrived today.  Meat & Poultry magazine (“The business journal for meat & poultry processors”) is not particularly interesting, but the advertisements for industrial processing machines are gruesomely awesome.  When I was 16, my first job was behind the deli counter @ a supermarket, and I accidentally lost a portion of my right index finger in the sandwich slicer.  Or, to be more positive about it, some customer accidentally GAINED a portion of my right index finger in his sandwich.

Either way, ever since then I’ve been morbidly fascinated by these giant processing devices.  Slicers, stackers, injectors…  which brings me to a weird point.  I live in L.A., and we have no subway (wait. we do? really?), but if I lived somewhere where there was a subway, sooner or later I am pretty sure I would shove someone in front of a moving subway car.  I think, just given who I am and how curious I am about shoving people in front of things, the daily temptation that came every morning & evening during the commute would be too much to bear.  Which is why it’s a good thing that I don’t work with the PowerMax4000 Human Meat Slicing System.

I think it literally would be a day by day countdown from the moment I was hired until the moment I pushed someone into that thing.  Like, during the job interview, I’d have a hard time focusing on the questions they were asking if the PowerMax was over the interviewer’s shoulder or anywhere in view.  I would have to start every morning with a mantra, a “you’re a good person, and you’re not going to push anyone into the PowerMax4000 today” kind of daily affirmation.  But it wouldn’t be enough.



  1. I feel you, Jonson.

    Everyday I ride the elevator 48 floors up. There are three law firms between 42 and 47, so I am assured of several local stops with a series of amazingly annoying characters. Inevitably, there will be a woman riding the elevator who has immensely large ankles wedged into glaringly white sneakers (don’t get me started on women who have ‘walking to work’ and ‘at work’ shoes). For reasons that are beyond me, I immediately wonder what would happen if I just started kicking her ass. I mean, what if I kicked out her knees, dropped a few elbows, and gave her an all-around UFC-style smack down.

    Are there cameras? I don’t see any. How would I get caught? What will the person waiting to board the elevator say when the doors open on that rather unorthodox scene? Should I place my coffee down first or use it as a scalding agent?

    Thankfully, I’ve never pummelled a stranger in the elevator, but I am a small bit concerned about these thoughts. Oh, well.

  2. Your right index finger? Really? I never noticed… which is probably a good thing, really.

  3. To be clear, Anonymously Chuck, my curiosity about pushing people in front of things isn’t about the annonyingness of the people. It’s about the irresistible nature of the opportunity.

    I’m sure the people are wonderful, good citizens who haven’t done anything to deserve being hit by a train, but at the same time, there IS a train coming really fast, and look, they’re just standing there, right on the ledge, so close & so unaware.

  4. i never thought i’d see “slicing throat” *and* “log” in the same paragraph. thank you, formax technologies.

  5. I am amazed by the number of stories from people that work around meat slicers that slice fingers. Having never had that pleasure, I always think, “how tarded do you have to be?” I mean is it carelessness? How does it happen so frequently? You have to be aware of the danger right? Aren’t there safety measures in place? Like something that pushes the meat forward other than your fingers? I would think they would make such that your fingers didn’t have to get close to the blade.

  6. http://www.tradepub.com

    Free trade magazines galore.

  7. I must be one of the careless idiots. I sliced my left index finger to the bone. No pieces lost, but an awesome scar and the end of that finger goes numb every once in a while.

    I have plenty of opportunities to push people in front of subway cars, but unbelievable as it may seem, I’ve managed to restrain myself so far.

  8. To help clarify things for curious jonsonblog regulars, I just had lunch with Capt. Chunk’O’Finger… and it’s hardly anything you could consider calling a ‘portion’ of a finger. There is a very bad-ass looking scar about 1/2″ long on the knuckle, but whatever portion was missing has been replaced twofold by scar tissue.

    We now return you to your regularly scheduled trade magazine.

  9. DAMN!!! Exactly what I was talking about (see above).Two more people besides Jonson in this blog alone. Everyone gives detail about what it looks like, etc. But no one will/can explain why or how they cut their finger. Someone should look up the origin of these “Meat Slicers”. Could they be Al QUeda backed?

  10. I know I guy with 7 fingers after a battle with a bandsaw. He lost.

  11. This whole exchange reminds me of this joke.

  12. I’ve seen this before. All I can say is keep away from the light. Yes, there is rush you cannot possibly even imagine!! But it is fleeting. However, neyro chemistry now trumps all and the need for another subway ‘incident’ only deepens. And calls you even at the most inopportune times. However, the is light. Like smoking where you cut your figs in half, just focus on selecting midgets as a strategy.

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