I Am Curious About Pushing People In Front of ThingsNovember 6, 2008
I had pretty much forgotten I did this, but apparently a while ago when I was drunk I signed up for a bunch of trade publications online, and had them sent to my work. I think the plan was that I wanted the people who sort my mail at work to be very confused about what my job was. I’m not sure I totally thought the plan through.
Regardless, the first one arrived today. Meat & Poultry magazine (“The business journal for meat & poultry processors”) is not particularly interesting, but the advertisements for industrial processing machines are gruesomely awesome. When I was 16, my first job was behind the deli counter @ a supermarket, and I accidentally lost a portion of my right index finger in the sandwich slicer. Or, to be more positive about it, some customer accidentally GAINED a portion of my right index finger in his sandwich.
Either way, ever since then I’ve been morbidly fascinated by these giant processing devices. Slicers, stackers, injectors… which brings me to a weird point. I live in L.A., and we have no subway (wait. we do? really?), but if I lived somewhere where there was a subway, sooner or later I am pretty sure I would shove someone in front of a moving subway car. I think, just given who I am and how curious I am about shoving people in front of things, the daily temptation that came every morning & evening during the commute would be too much to bear. Which is why it’s a good thing that I don’t work with the PowerMax4000 Human Meat Slicing System.
I think it literally would be a day by day countdown from the moment I was hired until the moment I pushed someone into that thing. Like, during the job interview, I’d have a hard time focusing on the questions they were asking if the PowerMax was over the interviewer’s shoulder or anywhere in view. I would have to start every morning with a mantra, a “you’re a good person, and you’re not going to push anyone into the PowerMax4000 today” kind of daily affirmation. But it wouldn’t be enough.