Morning of day Five

August 23, 2016

Okay, so it’s been four days, I’m halfway through my fifth and it’s totally manageable in the short term. I’m back on pain killers, because for whatever reason the pain increased on days 3 & 4 from the first couple.

The thing that I’m most nervous about is that three different things have to happen to get to normal again. First thing is, my pain has to decrease. That’s absolutely guaranteed as my surgery wounds heal. Not worried. But items two & three may not.

Second thing is, my muscles have to learn new ways to swallow, to approximate functionality that they never had. Like, the ones that used to force foods & water down my throat aren’t weak, or sore, they’re gone. Carved out of my head. So the very tips of those muscles have to do the job that the whole muscle used to do. That might never happen. Certainly now it’s not happening. I can eat Apple Sauce, but mostly by pushing it to the back of my mouth and waiting for gravity to pull it down. That works very very slowly and not for anything much thicker than apple sauce. It definitely doesn’t allow you to drink water, as any large qty will try to go up your sinus cavity and flood your breathing like you’re being waterboarded and it is terrifying.

Third thing is, maybe new tissue will grow. Scar tissue will form, or pull existing muscles into new positions. Again no idea if that will happen, when that will happen, what it will be like when/if that happens. Complete mystery. All I know for sure is that right now, on the very big IF that is, “IF they got all the cancer out,” all I have to worry about is that I may never eat or drink right again. Sure it will get better. I’m very sure it will get better, and I’m very sure this tube will come out pretty soon. But I just spent this morning drowning in my own mucous from my nose every few minutes and being forced to sit upright to drain what previously would just have been the sniffles ’cause I couldn’t swallow a thimble full of my own snot.


One comment

  1. I subscribed to your rss feed so long ago I no longer have any idea how I got to you. I’ve been seeing your posts though. I’m sorry you’re going through this shit. That is some major life adjustment in a short amount of time and it’s one of those things friends and family will kind of mostly forget about but you’ll have to keep dealing with and so it’s kind of a lonely awful thing. I hope that isn’t the case for you. I hope you have support and help and good things happening to help you through the worst bits.

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