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Panic on the Streets of Beaverton

August 27, 2016

So the worst part of the post-surgery healing is this feeding tube. It saves your life, as there’s no way you’d be able to eat enough or drink enough to live without it, but it sucks in so many ways. I received a LOT of check out information from my RN at the hospital, but the thing she stressed the most was, “don’t fuck up and let your feeding tube slip. It’s exactly 55 centimeters from the exit of your nose up, over and down into your belly. If you don’t keep the tube taped very strongly, it might slide out. And if it does, you’re fucked. You might try to slide it back in and fuck up and run it into your lungs or some pocket in your gut or who the fuck knows. And then you pump 250 ml of adult baby formula directly into your lungs and die and just don’t okay. Just make your life easier by not fucking this one thing up for once jesus”

Smash cut to me, waking up on the couch from a pleasant nap last night, wondering, “jeez, why is there so much tubing sticking out of my nose.”

Long, horrifying story short(er), I had fucked up, the tube was untethered and 25 cm of it had freely pulled up from out of my belly and was hanging somewhere halfway down my throat. I freaked the fuck out and very very slowly threaded it straight down again until I got to the 55 CM marker. Then I called the doctor. I told them I could take a meal or two orally, and so they said to skip my first meal this morning (no adult baby food, substitute water and this expensive small batch hand crafted artisanal creme brulee that was really good but crazy rich. Before having my second meal (due at noon), I will go to the hospital and they will x-ray me and make sure the tubes don’t need to be re-run.

Ugh.

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