Archive for the ‘childish jokes’ Category



September 20, 2016

My uncle Joe & I both grew beards to cover our scars. He got his from saving a fellow soldier on a minefield in WWII. I got mine from going down on some suspicious box decades ago. So I guess you could say we’re both heroes.



August 30, 2016

When my good friend survived a very serious diagnosis of colon cancer, I asked him if they cut out enough of his colon that if I sodomized him I’d be able to see my penis distending his belly with every thrust. I told him that that was all I’d ever wanted, to pretend like I was fucking John Hurt in Alien right before the Alien pops out of his stomach and that my penis was the baby Alien.

So, when people ask “wow, you’re so young to get cancer, and you didn’t smoke or anything, do you feel like it’s unfair?” I think, “no. This seems about right.”


On Being Known For Something

December 23, 2008

My friend Josh used to use the phrase “on brand” to describe when someone did something that was particularly likely for them – like, the innapropriate alcoholic showing up drunk at a company event would be “on brand” for him.  It was an effective shorthand for summing up personality attributes, but it made me wonder what exactly would be “on brand” for me.

This morning two different people I know forwarded me the following article, both saying words to the effect of “you probably already know this:”

The Disturbing Sex Lives of Deep Sea Squid

By Philip Bethge

A Dutch biologist has extensively studied the reproductive techniques of deep-ocean squid. During sex, they are brutal and ruthless — and sometimes clumsy.

So, it’s clear that disturbing articles about aquatic sex life are “on brand” for me.  It’s good to have an area of expertise.


My Wikipedia Falsehood

July 18, 2008

I lie.  I do it all the time.  I’m doing it right now.  Couldn’t stop if I wanted to.  Most of my lies are outrageous, easily disproved falsehoods, which is convenient, because no one picks them up & runs with them as though they were true.

Recently, a friend (whose last name is Haddad – IMPORTANT DETAIL) mentioned the 80/20 Rule, which in our example referred to the fact that 80 percent of your profits as a company are derived from 20 percent of your audience.  My friend mentioned that it was also known as the Pareto Principle, and cited the Wikipedia as proof of this fact.  Before the phone call was over, I had edited the Wikipedia such that what originally read as:

The Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule, the law of the vital few and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

now read as:

The Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem, the law of the vital few and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

Most Wikipedia lies are so easily disproven that they immediately get edited out, and I realize I’m probably killing this joke just by writing this entry (not to mention getting my IP address banned from Wikipedia), but four weeks later, the unattributed cribbing from the Wikipedia article not only still stands, but is spreading all over the web.  The funny thing is, there already IS a Haddad’s Theorem, about something completely boring & unrelated.  But the power of my Wikipedia lie has almost eradicated any actual mention of Haddad’s Theorem from the front page of Google.

It first showed up here on Linked In’s professional advice page, as user Joerg Kurt W says “The 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem, or Pareto principle is also related to several other principles, like the ‘Iron law of oligarchy’ and ‘tipping point principle’.

From there, it appeared on the second entry of this Atkins Diet bulletin board.  Writer cgdat136 says “So, this has me thinking about the 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem or the Pareto Principle: Will 80% of our efforts (goals) really be achieved by only 20% of us?

Then here, on a marketing blog called Ramblings of a Marketing Gurl.  In her Customer Segmentation entry, she writes that  “The Pareto principle (a.k.a the 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem) states that 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

Currently only 2 of the top 10 Google results for Haddad’s Theorem involve the accurate mention of what the term refers to.  The other 8 are Wiki citations.

Like I said, I’m sure this ends with the publication of this entry, but it was interesting to see how quickly the lie took root & spread.


Huh. Maybe I AM Ignorant.

May 8, 2008

So, I’m reading a review of Speed Racer in the local alt-rag, LA Weekly, and it occurs to me I have no fucking clue what the reviewer is talking about.  A lot of made up words, obscure references & excessively showy language to basically say that he didn’t recommend the film.  This paragraph in particular was awesome:

The futuristic, multihued skyscrapers seem a figment of Kenny Scharf’s imagination[I DON’T KNOW WHO THAT IS]; the glazed female leads might be Jeff Koons sculptures [I’VE HEARD OF HIM.  IS HE A SCULPTOR?  I DON’T GET THIS REFERENCE.  DOES HE GLAZE HIS SCULPTURES A LOT?] sporting Takashi Murakami [WHO?] accessories. And that’s just the “Sunday Styles” stuff. Once the various gizmobiles accelerate to warp speed on roller-coaster racetracks seemingly conceived by Dr. Seuss [YES!!!!], the screen reconstitutes as a Bridgett Riley vortex [SHE MAKES VORTEXES, I ASSUME] or a mad geometric abstraction of Kenneth Noland [NOPE, SORRY.] racing stripes.

Thanks, J. Hoberman of the L.A. Weekly.  I never knew how little I knew until you came along.  I will say this for you – after diligent analysis, I was able to discern whether you liked the movie or not:

But love, hate or ignore it, The Matrix proposed a social mythology. (Just ask Slavoj Zizek. [SERIOUSLY NOW, WHAT THE FUCK?]) Speed Racer is simply a mishmash that, among other things, intermittently parodies the earlier film’s pretensions.

You go to hell, J. Hoberman.  You go straight to hell.


Advantage: Jonson!

March 8, 2008

Once upon a time, Jonathan Rouse of Longborough University was the #1 result for all Jonathan Rouses in Google, primarily due to his wide ranging scholarly publications (I’m not joking) in the field of sewage maintenance.  This fact led me to author the following post: Screw You, Jonathan Rouse of Longborough University.  Later, when I seized my birthright & claimed sole ownership of the crown, I was forced to tone down my rhetoric against the Jonathan Rouse of Longborough via the following post: My apologies to Jonathan Rouse of Longborough University.  But as of today it appears that the Googledamage is irrevocably done, as I noticed this most recent comment on my blog, in the original “Screw You” post:

“So, I was trying to get hols [SIC] of my mate Jon Rouse’s email address who used to work in the sewage and compost dept at Loughborough University but all I could find was this blog.  If you have his email address, can you let me know? Ta.”

So, to be clear here, not only did I overtake my British rival, I effectively wiped any trace of him off the internet.  Les Jeux Sont Faites, Bueller!  Translation: THE GAME IS UP.


One last time, fuck the Patriots

February 22, 2008

So, both teams in the Superbowl get “Superbowl Champion” apparel made for the post game festivities, but obviously only one team gets to wear that apparel.  The NFL has a policy of donating the losing team’s “Championship” outfits to 3rd world counties, which is how I saw this hilarious article.  Whoo-hoo, 19 & 0!!