Archive for the ‘cool thing I saw online’ Category

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My Wikipedia Falsehood

July 18, 2008

I lie.  I do it all the time.  I’m doing it right now.  Couldn’t stop if I wanted to.  Most of my lies are outrageous, easily disproved falsehoods, which is convenient, because no one picks them up & runs with them as though they were true.

Recently, a friend (whose last name is Haddad – IMPORTANT DETAIL) mentioned the 80/20 Rule, which in our example referred to the fact that 80 percent of your profits as a company are derived from 20 percent of your audience.  My friend mentioned that it was also known as the Pareto Principle, and cited the Wikipedia as proof of this fact.  Before the phone call was over, I had edited the Wikipedia such that what originally read as:

The Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule, the law of the vital few and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

now read as:

The Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem, the law of the vital few and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

Most Wikipedia lies are so easily disproven that they immediately get edited out, and I realize I’m probably killing this joke just by writing this entry (not to mention getting my IP address banned from Wikipedia), but four weeks later, the unattributed cribbing from the Wikipedia article not only still stands, but is spreading all over the web.  The funny thing is, there already IS a Haddad’s Theorem, about something completely boring & unrelated.  But the power of my Wikipedia lie has almost eradicated any actual mention of Haddad’s Theorem from the front page of Google.

It first showed up here on Linked In’s professional advice page, as user Joerg Kurt W says “The 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem, or Pareto principle is also related to several other principles, like the ‘Iron law of oligarchy’ and ‘tipping point principle’.

From there, it appeared on the second entry of this Atkins Diet bulletin board.  Writer cgdat136 says “So, this has me thinking about the 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem or the Pareto Principle: Will 80% of our efforts (goals) really be achieved by only 20% of us?

Then here, on a marketing blog called Ramblings of a Marketing Gurl.  In her Customer Segmentation entry, she writes that  “The Pareto principle (a.k.a the 80-20 rule, Haddad’s Theorem) states that 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

Currently only 2 of the top 10 Google results for Haddad’s Theorem involve the accurate mention of what the term refers to.  The other 8 are Wiki citations.

Like I said, I’m sure this ends with the publication of this entry, but it was interesting to see how quickly the lie took root & spread.

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People Who Want You To Vote for Obama

April 2, 2008

Oscar & Lola, My Pugs

 

The Little Baby Cupcake

 

Shamus, the Scotsman who molested me as a child

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Humorous Drunken Beatings In The News

March 31, 2008

I can’t decide which of the two following assaults is my favorite Assault of the Week.  The first one, which I call “Trailer Park Prosthetic Leg Assault” involves a drunken redneck visiting her sister’s mobile home, at which point an argument breaks out and the drunk yanks off the sister’s fake leg & beats her with it. 

Assault #2, which I’m calling “The Empire Strikes Back,” takes place in England, and involves two Jedi (seriously, Jedi is an official state-recognized religion in the UK) being attacked by a drunk wearing a Darth Vader mask & a black garbage bag.  Bonus points to Assault #1 for the Prosthetic Leg detail, but equal points to the British yob who went to the trouble of purchasing/assembling a Darth Vader costume. 

In a close match, I’m giving the nod to Assault #2, but only because I can feel better about it.  In the Trailer Park attack, the victim was handicapped, and probably trying to get her sister to stop drinking.  In the UK, two dudes who list Jedi as their official religion got what I can only imagine the police report listed as a “well-deserved thrashing.”  Interesting handicapped tie-in, while in the US, a prosthetic leg was the weapon of choice, in the UK, Darth Vader resorted to using a crutch to dispense Sith justice, as apparently he had no light saber handy.

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My Dinner With Barack

March 28, 2008

So over here, it turns out that if you donate $5 or more (up to the $2300 max) you get entered into a drawing to have a dinner with Barack Obama & three other winners, just the five of you talking about whatever you feel like discussing.  Needless to say, I entered, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to win (because I have a system when it comes to games of chance!).  Which means I better start thinking about what I’m going to discuss with Barack over dinner.

I figure the other three chumps are going to want to have their say, all “blah blah blah health care blah special interests blah” but I’m going to seize control of the conversation with my hard hitting issues & find out where the candidate really stands. 

First topic: Is it socially unacceptable to use the term Mulatto?  A female friend used that term in reference to Jason Taylor from the Miami Dolphins, while describing how attractive he was.  Up until now I hadn’t thought the term was offensive (and yet, Octaroon seems very clearly wrong…).  Then the friend followed it up with “I’m not usually attracted to black people,” and I was forced to cast everything she had previously said through my PC filter.  Was this closet racist attempting to reintroduce a taboo phrase into my vocabulary?  Wikipedia was less than helpful, so I’m pretty sure the only place to go for an answer to this question is by asking the most famous Mulatto in America.

Topic the Second: Five years ago, on a walk around my neighborhood, my pug puppy Oscar barked at a tiny infant whose parents were pushing him in the stroller.  I jokingly told the parents “He HATES babies!” as a light ice-breaker kind of joke, to get around the awkward situation of my dog having startled their toddler.  To this day, the Missus contends that this was not an appropriate response to the situation, and made us look like we raised our pug to hate tiny adorable babies.  I disagree, naturally, and will rely on the judgment of Mr Obama to settle the issue once and for all.

Finally (I’m not sure how long this dinner is going to run, but I feel like more than three topics of discussion will be pushing it), I want to see where Barack stands on my favorite conundrum, namely if you’d were going to have a one night stand with a person missing an arm or leg or what have you, wouldn’t you rather have sex with a person missing ALL their arms & legs?  I’m very interested in what Obama has to say about this topic, as I see it becoming a wedge issue in the swing states like Florida & Ohio.

I’ll keep you posted as to the inevitable results of the contest.

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Sex: I’ve Had Some

March 19, 2008

So, this will come as no surprise, but I’ve totally had sex, like a bunch of times.  Jealous?  Sure you are.  But the interesting point is that when I ran across this guide for elderly male virgins (I found it by googling World of Warcraft.  Seriously.) there were a surprising number of things I didn’t know.  For example, the guide covers the following topics:

  • What It Feels Like To Have Sex
  • What You Need To Do To Prepare
  • How To Handle Premature Ejaculation
  • What To Do If You Can’t Get Hard
  • How to Act so the Girl Doesn’t Realize You’re a Virgin
  • How To Clean Up Properly “Down There” Before Having Sex
  • How To Deal With Grooming Issues Such As Hairy Penis Shaft
  • How To Clean Up The Right Way Afterwards
  • The Best Positions For First Time Sex
  • And Tons More…

I won’t lie to you, I have no idea how to deal with Hairy Penis Shaft.  I hope they mean my own.  If someone elses is going to be involved, then I may have been doing sex wrong for the most part.  Also, when they say “how to clean up THE RIGHT WAY afterwards, I hope they mean “wipe your junk on the curtains,” because that’s been my modus operandi since 1990, and I’m not changing now!  So, needless to say, I ordered this valuable guide post-haste.  I don’t want to ruin the surprise for the vast portion of the jonsonblog audience that has yet to know the sybaritic delights of fleshly pleasures, but I will sum up a couple key learnings:

If she’s riding you and you slip out she can come down on your dick. Usually it gets bent a little and hurts for a minute. At the worst you can rupture the tissue and take a trip to the hospital.

WTF?  I’m glad I didn’t find this out until after I had my daughter, because now I may never have sex again.  Penis breaking is an option?

Someone is going to get semen on them at some point.

Heh.  I hope it’s her.  I get enough semen on me at work, I certainly don’t need it in my personal life as well.

Someone may let out a fart right in the middle of things.

I’m not sure this is a guide for virgins so much as a guide to a fraternity hazing.  Left sadly unaddressed by this guide was a question that has eluded me many decades into my life of conquests: How do I know if she is enjoying herself or just faking it?  Just kidding, who cares!  Am I right guys?

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Whore Diamonds: An Overview

March 12, 2008

So, despite my otherwise lavish lifestyle, I tend to do most of my whoring at the discount cathouse, which is why the Elliot Spitzer story is so fascinating to me.  Of all the news items leaked so far, this one is by far the most informative.  In it, on slide five you’ll see an overview of the pricing system in place at the former Emperor’s Club, the high-end whorehouse where Spitzer did his business.  Apparently the women were listed on their website with a number of diamonds under each image, and the diamonds corresponded to price:

Please note: one diamond & two diamond whores don’t even get to work at the Emperor’s Club.  That’s how you know you’re dealing with a classy establishment.

Three diamonds – $10,000/day

Four diamonds – $12,000/day

Five diamonds – $15,000/day

Six diamonds – $21,000/day

Seven diamonds – $31,000/day

My co-worker, upon reading the rates, said “I’d be inclined to masturbate & pocket the difference,” which does seem to be good financial advice.  My only question is, how bad must it suck to be the three diamond whore?  I mean, every day you go to work at a job in which you’re nothing but a hole for strangers to come in, and not only are you the worst, least desireable hole in the establishment, but that fact is broadcast on the internet for everyone to know.  “Perhaps sir would prefer to nail one of our discount models?  I’ll call Cindy.”  Along those same lines, I’d personally find it hard to reach orgasm with the three diamond whore.  I’d be too distracted wondering what the extra $21,000 would have bought me.  What kind of magical cooter must the seven diamond whore have, and when did she discover its value? By the way, if you’re wondering, “Kristen”, the woman who brought down Spitzer ,was in fact a three diamond whore, so either they can’t be THAT bad, or Spitzer is exceptionally frugal.  More on the topic here, if you’re interested.

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SWEET JESUS AT LAST MY PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED

March 10, 2008

 “Walk your dog, take the garbage out, get the mail… any problems occur…”  I’m not sure where this guy takes his garbage, but I don’t usually need a submachine gun to live through the chore.