Archive for the ‘sex with animals’ Category

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AOL User 927 is terrifying

August 9, 2006

So, earlier in the week, AOL screwed up and made the search histories of half a million users publicly available.  Among that Sahara Desert of data, a single grain of particularly gritty sand would be anonymous user # 927.  His search terms start off with some straightforward music searches (“Yoko Ono” “Fall Out Boy”) but then demonstrate an obsession with mold that grows on humans, and then start to get better from there.  After an innocuous 20 or so floral searches in a row (“flower daisy”, “gardenia”), we get sucker punched with “forced rape porn.”  Maybe he was looking for the perfect flower to give to a victim he had filmed in order to smooth things over the next day at the office.  But that’s just the beginning.  Things U927 was curious about:

testicle festivals
hentai child rape
hentai pedofilia
dirty gay sex
rough gay sex
bdsm electricity
sex torture
tranny sex
tranny bondage
tranny trouble
farm boys bestility
hermaphrodite
intersexed genitals
child incest hentai
pee fetish
sexual torture
chlamydia
incest rape hentai
hentai child rape
3d molestation and rape porn

1) All the spelling errors in the list are original

2) I can’t imagine what posting this list will do for my Google queries.  I wish I knew enough HTML to keep this single post out of search engine logs.

In the end, you just have to wonder what this depraved fucker wasn’t turned on by.

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How to play “I Win!”

June 13, 2006

Q: I’ve never heard of this thing – what is it? 

“I win!” is a situationally dependent game I invented to help in resolving disputes in a relationship.  It has extracted me from many a thorny predicament, and I feel I could quite justifiably sell the game to Milton Bradley or Dr Phil or some such for a tidy sum of money, yet here I am willing to give it to you, the jonsonblog audience for free, such is my generosity.  The key to the game is timing, and keeping a clear head. 

Q: How does the game work? 

Follow along: occasionally one finds oneself in a position of having screwed up, in a manner that makes things worse for both you & someone you’re close to, such as a spouse or significant other.  For example, you failed to print out directions and now you’re both hopelessly lost, or you thought you made dinner reservations at 8 on Tuesday, when in fact it was 8 on Wednesday.  Without a game like “I win”, you would be forced to either accept the blame for the mistake, which puts you in a position of weakness and mentally sets you up to be on the defensive for the rest of the day/evening/length of your partner’s short term memory, or worse yet, try and weasel out of the blame and create a huge issue out of fault assignment and past resentments.  Neither outcome is optimal. 

Q: So what’s the solution? 

However, if you just remember (and you must strike while the iron is hot) at the apex of the mistake, the precise moment where it becomes crystal clear that you have fucked up, and that BOTH of you will now share in the punishment for your mistake but BEFORE any argument or laying of blame has begun, to raise both hands in the air, and in a triumphant, clear voice declare “I win!”, you are immediately absolved of any and all responsibility for the mistake.  Not only that, but the mistake itself is instantly wiped clean.  In the case of the restaurant above, it is as though you & your girlfriend just decided to try eating at the restaurant without any reservations, on a whim.  Or that you both agreed that printing out a map would ruin the spontanaeity of the trip, and that life was about the journey more than the destination.

Q: Is that all there is?  It sounds too simple to work?

That’s what they said about nuclear fission, but it’s actually remarkably complex.  As for the game, yes, it totally works, provided both participants agree to adhere to the five cardinal rules of I Win!, as published below.

Rules:

1) You must BOTH share equally in the punishment for I Win! to apply.  The mistake can’t be “I accidentally forgot your birthday” or “I accidentally went down on your sister.”

2) You must declare I Win! on the spot.  Once an argument has broken out, it’s too late and the game is unsalvageable.

3) The victim of the folly MUST accept the declaration of victory without any complaint; once a valid I Win! has been declared, the issue is immediately over, and no blame can be meted out, nor resentment held on to for later issuance.

4) The declaration of victory MUST come at the apex of the mistake.  If you are, say, lost in the woods due to poor map handling by the perpetrator, a declaration of victory five minutes before a savage bear rogering is immediately rendered null & void.

5) You can NOT deliberately lead somone into an “I Win”, it must be a complete accident, due to negligence, thoughtlessness, overconfidence, or some other tragic flaw.  Malicious intent breaks the rules.

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I’m not sure why I’m shocked

June 4, 2006

Jesus Christ, it looks like I really have a niche here.  I kinda get a kick out of thinking of the mindset of the person typing the phrase into google and how tremendously disappointed they must be when they get here.  Of all of them, the phrase "orgasm when I pee" is my favorite, although I'm haven't written anything about orgasms during urination to date.  Hey, maybe I will now.

Search Terms

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I’ve got to work on my Search Engine Optimization

May 21, 2006

A quick check of the WordPress dashboard reveals the following: 

SEO

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Fucking Nerds!

May 3, 2006

So, I'm not entirely unfamiliar with nerds, and their various strata & behavior.  I'm aware that there exists a class of nerd that likes to dress up and pretend the times are ancient, or possibly just a couple hundred years old.  I know even, that organizations exist for these sweaty malcontents, organizations like the Society for Creative Anachronism.  I'm also all too painfully aware that some nerds are female, which is all the sadder.  But it kinda rocked my world to find out that the Live Action Role Playing community, which is comprised of gatherings of nerds who get together and do things like this have official awards called the Larpies.  Once I found out, however, I hastened forthwith, as mocking these particular types of nerds delights me to almost no end.  Even at my lowest "high school loser, no girl's ever gonna speak to you, who taught you to throw a baseball like that" days, I never once considered putting on fake medieval garb and pretending I was slaying orcs with a group of likeminded adults. 

So, long story short, the first award I clicked on was "Best Looking Female Larper", and the sad reality dawned.  This woman, dressed as some human/cat hybrid was not only kinda hot, she was, in fact, out of my league.  If I was single & hit on her, she would most likely reject me, even if I too was wearing my sexy cat outfit.  Worse yet, based on personal experience, I've gotta say that nerd chicks seem to have a consistently high flounder index.*  So now, this site I go to with the intention of making myself feel better at the expense of a bunch of anonymous nerds has in fact reinforced a cold truth, even LARPers can be out of my league.  Sigh…

*Flounder index: a score, from 0 to 100, based on the response you would get if, during sex, you indicated an interest in spanking your partner's bare ass with a flounder.  A partner with a score of Zero claws your eyes and leaves, never to speak to you again, a score of 100 has the flounder waiting next to the bed, just in case.

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Screw you, HGTV!!!

May 1, 2006

So, April 29th came & went, and I did not win a two million dollar dream house in the hills above Asheville, North Carolina, despite being the most sincere & deserving candidate.  To add insult to injury, I watched the horrendous giveaway special on HGTV, where they informed me that something like 20 other entrants would be winning huge cash prizes during the show.  Every few minutes they'd just stop the show and the host would read a few names, like "Hey, Mary Smith of Ohio – you just won $10,000!" or "Hey, Sally Jeroldson of Indiana, you just won $50,000". They started at small amounts, giving 10K away to like 10 people, but worked their way up to give away a cash prize of $100K to the final runner up.  The show sucked, but it did teach me a few things.

Thing One: Never enter contests like this unless you want to be raped by a bear.  Follow my logic here: there were 53 million entrants, according to the show, which works out to one in every six people in America.  Probably more than that, when you discount people too young to enter, morons who can't write, people with no hands, etc.  Now, in order to come in first, you'd have to be one in fifty three million, which is pretty dang special, or (assuming my math is correct) one of the six most special/lucky people in America.  So I did some checking over on the Bureau of Ursine Sexual Assault website and it turns out that in 2005 (the last full year for which statistics have been compiled) six hunters filed claims for having been sodomized by grizzlies while out in the woods.  So if you start thinking you're one of the six most special/lucky people in America, then it only stands to reason you could just as easily be one of the six most special/unlucky people in America, and at this stage in my life, I am not interested in being raped by a bear.  Gentle, Ben! You gotta romance me a little first.

Thing the second: I might be a chick.  Almost every cash prize runner up person was a chick, and they claimed to choose randomly, which makes me think that almost every person who entered this contest was a chick.  Since it costs nothing to enter, and you can do it online, and it's a two million dollar prize, I figure everyone who heard about the contest entered, which makes me think that the only people who heard about the contest were chicks, which means that no guys watch HGTV despite their many awesome shows about how to decorate your house in a manner that makes it look more attractive for when you are having guests over.

Thing the third: The people at HGTV have a delightful sense of irony.  They gave the four story hilltop retreat and the fully loaded GMC Yukon to a septegenarian quadripelgic who will not be able to enjoy his (non-cripple friendly) house at all, even if he was gonna live long enough to do so, which he won't.  So, I'm not sure what else they could have done to further tantalize this poor numb-from-the-waist-down bastard; the special kept showing things like the stairmaster exercise room on the first floor, and the special guest nook on the third floor, and the bunk bed room for young children, and just really, enough already.  I expected them to open a device in the kitchen that seductively rubbed the owners unfeeling nutsack just for the extra pathos.

So, to recap, screw you Home & Garden Television, I will never watch your House Hunting shows again!!!!

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Firefly Squid

April 28, 2006

I had never heard of the firefly squid before seeing this article, and now all I want to do in life is find & swim with them. Well… more, "wrestle" them then actually just swim.  Also I will be naked.

They seem to eminate an electric blue glow from their tentacles that calls to me in ways no human lover ever could. Just wait my lovelies… our time will come. But you can't tell anyone about this… mankind isn't ready for our love.  I only hope they can't sting my junk.  I'm not interested in a repeat of the jellyfish incident (it's bad enough that I'm never allowed back into the Aquarium of the Pacific).