Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

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Beards

September 20, 2016

My uncle Joe & I both grew beards to cover our scars. He got his from saving a fellow soldier on a minefield in WWII. I got mine from going down on some suspicious box decades ago. So I guess you could say we’re both heroes.

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links for 2011-05-16

May 16, 2011
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links for 2011-02-13

February 13, 2011
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Media Bias

April 12, 2010

So, the KFC Double Down is a reality, no matter how much it seems like an Onion article.  For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it’s two strips of bacon, cheese & special sauce, sandwiched between two fried & breaded chicken breasts.   You read that right, the chicken breasts ARE the bread of the sandwich.

Now, I’m all in favor of this kind of crazy bullshit, and who knows, if people started raving about it, I might even try one.  But I was amused to see at the very end of an otherwise rote article about physicians groups protesting the Double Down a spectacularly poor display of journalistic integrity by the local Sacramento News squad:

Sacramento KFC visited the set of FOX40 Live on Monday, and the votes in studio were very positive.

“Oh My God, this is amazing!” exclaimed Ben Ormsby of the FOX40 Live crew. Ormsby was most impressed by the texture of the chicken ‘bun’, adding that the sandwich can almost stand alone as a meal.

So, you’re saying that not only did you have KFC bring some of the potentially wildly unhealthy food to your studio in the middle of the news report about how unhealthy it was and how dangerous it was to promote such an unhealthy thing to a morbidly obese America, but you felt compelled to “exclaim” to everyone how “amazing” it was.

Nice work, Kentucky Fox Channel…

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Don’t You Judge Me

March 25, 2010

So, I was trying to explain to my wife that if she walked in on me having sex with a woman dressed like Cheetara it would actually be MORE understandable than if she walked in on me having sex with just any other woman, because how could a regular woman like the missus be expected to compete with a Thundercat, when all of a sudden my wife confessed that she had never even heard of the Thundercats, let alone Cheetara.  I know, can you believe it?

Wait, this story is making me seem creepy, let me start over.

So, I was looking for sexy pictures of Cheetara (the Thundercat, not the junior senator from Indiana) on the internet, and I ran across the AMAZING site Allcosplay.com, which included this rad picture of a busty naked woman painted to look like Cheetara (possibly not safe for work), along with five full pages of women dressed up like sexy Thundercats, primarily Cheetara.

Actually, this story isn’t helping all that much either.

One of the things that frequently gets overlooked in the litany of vast changes the internet brought about over the past 15 years is the democratization of niche interests.  In 1994, if I had said to someone, “you know what I really like?  Being kicked in the balls until I pass out. That really does it for me.” I would have had a very hard time convincing that person that I wasn’t insane.  Today, with sites like “ballcrusher.net” (warning: DO NOT CLICK) or “isitnormal” (okay, go ahead and click on that one if you want), you can very easily find a group of like minded enthusiasts, no matter how fucking creepy you are.

P.S. if you’re curious, this may be the least sexy picture of Cheetara ever.

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Modern Warfare Makes Strange Bedfellows

March 25, 2010

I tend not to play online videogames very much for the same reason I don’t surround myself with mirrors when I masturbate.  If I’m going to do something embarrassing, I don’t want it pointed out to me constantly, and that’s what happens when I game online.  From the moment I connect, I’m crushed by a wave of tweener mouthbreathers shouting racial & sexual epithets at each other for the duration of the session.

It’s not so much the racism/homophobia I mind, it’s the constant reminder that I’m playing against (and usually losing to) a bunch of children.  Fortunately, I can hit the mute button and ignore 95% of the bullshit.  The other 5% comes from the online IDs of my fellow sixth graders, which are frequently rife with misspellings like “SLIENT KILLA” or “JOO_OVEN_MASTA.”

Playing a couple of days ago I ran into an awesome screen name twofer, as the following couple were both on the same team:

Awkward...

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Don’t ask what I was Googling

March 23, 2010

That’s just good advice generally, to be honest.  But in a series of clicks I ended up on this transcript of a Larry King Live episode from 2002, and the intro is spectacular.  Larry is truly the master of the segue:

Tonight, a very different Fran Drescher talking about some intensely personal subjects, a brutal rape, cancer that went undiagnosed for years, divorcing her high school sweetheart and then finding love with a younger man.

[WAIT FOR IT]

Plus, “Laverne and Shirley” together again. It’s been nearly 20 years. Funny gals Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams.

Excellent transition, Larry!  Much gentler than Casey Kasem’s long distance dedication

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Best Dream Ever

February 16, 2010

I had a dream last night that the missus & I went on vacation to some city in Eastern Europe (think Prague), and the main tourist attraction there was that, in one section of the big river that flowed through the town (a la the Thames or the Seine) there was a shallow part, and a group of local housecats had trained themselves to hold their breath & overcome their fear of water.

This allowed them to walk into the river and sink to the bottom, where they would sit perfectly still, like turtles, occasionally coming up for air, and feeding on the little minnows that would swim by.  People would come from miles around to see the fishcats of Prague.

I like a dream that defies analysis.

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Sabotage!

February 13, 2010

The house next door to mine (the haunted one) is for sale, some three years after both the occupants passed away inside it.  It’s been abandoned ever since, tended to by a charity that the former owners left it to.  Finally in the mood to sell, they’re offering it for $150K less than I paid for my house, or $400K less than a similar house one street up from us just went for.

I’m eager to have the house occupied, preferably by someone with a daughter the same age as the cupcake, but I’m not eager to see the value of my house drop by a couple hundred grand.  Towards that end every time I see prospective owners go in, I’ve adopted a strategy of standing in front of the place like the crazy old man from Friday the 13th (whom YouTube has informed me is named Ralph), and warning buyers that the place is haunted by a greek ghost who will kill anyone who pays less than $1,000,000 for the place.

Later, as they’re inside, I send in Emma wearing a white sheet over her head and yelling Boogie Boogie Boogie through the place before running in to the back yard and through a hole I cut in the fence between our property.

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Vox Populi

February 10, 2010

I love that news outlets feel compelled to report a “man on the street” opinion in their stories, and that in the internet age that means ripping quotes from social media outlets like Twitter, or god forbid YouTube comments, which are universally peopled with idiots.  In the “John Mayer is a Racist” article on msnbc, we get the following quote: “wow if this stuff is true…John Mayer just lost a whole heap of cool points…and i really likes him too…” commented jnyfer on Twitter. It’s jarring in the middle of a mainstream media story to see quotes from some random moron, although I guess I should just get used to it.